I feel loved when...

The Five Love Languages

My Primary Love Language is Physical Touch

<th colspan="2">My Detailed Results:</th>

Physical Touch:	9
Quality Time:	8
Acts of Service:	6
Words of Affirmation:	6
Receiving Gifts:	1

About this quiz

Unhappiness in relationships is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. It can be helpful to know what language you speak and what language those around you speak.

Tag 3 people so they can find out what their love language is.

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Dawn Lynn has been so heavy on my mind the past few days.
I could swear that I feel her sleeping next to me.

I spoke with Christine's mother on the phone last night. I cried myself to sleep.

I visited with Cindy today. Held her baby. Remembered that the last time I was in her house, I was with Christine and we were all gathered together to carpool to Dawn Lynn's memorial service. After our visit, I saw my therapist and once again, she was surprised by how well I have come through all of this though she agreed with me that I did indeed have a break down of sorts.

I am trying to get better.
I have lost 8 pounds since Christine's death. I am having trouble eating. Sometimes I forget to eat. Usually I find that I just can't finish a meal. My fingernails are weak and keep breaking.
The circles under my eyes are almost gone though. I am sleeping better. I am doing more around the house. I finally picked up a book after 5 weeks of not reading which is so not me.
I have love and someone that makes me laugh and a lovely onyx and silver ring on my finger that he gave me.

It still hurts.
Damn.

		I will marry Johnny.
		After a wild honeymoon, We will settle down in The Beach in our fabulous Mansion.
		We will have 1 kid(s) together.
		Our family will zoom around in a Black 1976 Grand Prix.
		I will spend my days as a Nurse, and live happily ever after.

Will it ever stop? I am ready to get off now, thank you.

I haven't posted in....
I don't know.

Things just won't slow down...they have been up and down and going way too fast since March 9th- the day that Dawn Lynn died.

The stomach issues hit in March. Still undiagnosed as John was laid off and his new company does not offer insurance. I can not afford to see a specialist and the county health program here SUCKS.
I went back to working for the Tow Truck company.
Christine passed away on or near April 25th. I had not grieved the last one out.
I spent 3 days in her apartment, following her death. That really screwed with my head. I saw things and felt things that I should not have. I was not ready.
Her beautiful daughters have become a part of my life now. They are so very....Christine like. I am both sad and happy when I am with them.

There have been sleep issues since March 9th. I can not find a deep state of sleep. I nap...that is some relief. I fell apart and did not realize how badly I was broken. I don't remember when I last cooked a real meal...unless heating up Boudain and rice counts as cooking. I am up and on the way home, I find myself crying in the car. I try not to sit still. But it seems as if I accomplish nothing. I work, clean house, walk around town at night.

My husband and I are no longer living together as husband and wife. I told him to leave after Christine died. Then we agreed to try to live together as roommates. I don't know why I did that. We agreed to try this for a month. The month is up and I am telling him to move the fuck along. He will have until July 1st to get out. I can not- will not- live with a drunken jackass. He sucks as being a husband and he sucks as being a roommate.

I have someone in my life that does care for me and who isn't a drunken jackass.I met him at work. He was there with a smile and a hug and a shoulder to cry on when I returned to work after Christine's death. He was my friend. He made it okay for me to feel ....well, to FEEL.He took my hand and pulled me up and made me laugh. And when I cry, he holds me. The jackass could not do these things.Good grief.
We play, we laugh, we meet in the park and he pushes me on the swing, we drive on back country roads listening to classic rock, he tosses me over his shoulder and carrys me from the office to my car. He calls me "nunnies" and slow dances with me in the moonlight with no music on. This simple man with a heart of gold and a Texas accent....this guy who wears a cowboy hat and listens to all of the old 80's music that I do...this tow truck driver and stock car racer has won my heart. I know- ITS CRAZY!!

Told ya things were going fast. Bring it on. I will be 40 in a few days. Give me life. Give me love. Give me a little bit of happiness in my insanity. I'll be okay. It may take awhile to get to okay, but I'll get there.

I did a 'clinical' synopsis/time line to get it started and sent it to Jason.

His reply-

"Thanks Mary.

Other people are working on this too and I'll probably try to create a
fusion of all the stories once they come in.... thanks for your effort,
it is a great help!"

It should be up tomorrow as the press is hitting up the family who are ready to talk now. The family has given us - all of us, those that collected evidence and those that just know HIS history= permission to speak out.

Fuck- the press cam just save same time and copy what I wrote for their story.

The dam burst and now there is nothing. Nothing. Just a fuckity fuck and a lalala.

I can't remember dates or what happened what days- it's all one big fucking mass of things that happened in one big rush. And what did you say? That kind of thing.

I am having trouble getting to sleep. Once there, I am there. I had a funny dream Thursday- the day of Christines memorial. I dreamed that one of the tow truck drivers that I work with came by to pick me up to take me to the memorial...in the red tow truck. I mentioned this to him Friday and he said that he would have happily taken me to the memorial in the red tow truck if it would have made me smile just a little. I think he may be my next ex-husband.

I don't feel like me. I woke up so sad and so old. Don't you usually just wake up and then settle into a mood?
I haven't felt "right" since being in I.C.U with ketoacidosis- close to death- in March of 2007. I escaped it...how odd.

Thank you, dear friend , for calling and asking how I am doing and talking to me and for being concerned earlier and Thursday and whatever other night and then there was Sunday too. I spent a lot of time worrying about you in the past. You read my long email and you don't think I am crazy though I think I am.

I was too weak to cry or cuss with feeling Friday. Couldn't even work up a good "FUCKER!" in traffic.

I feel nothing but lost.

Christine was found dead in her apartment, Saturday , April 26th. The cause of death is unknown at this time though foul play is suspected. She may have died as early as Thursday night, April 24th.
She leaves behind 2 lovely daughters that she loved dearly.Please keep them in your thoughts.

There were 6 friends...all brought together through friends of friends. I knew Christine...Christine new Starr...I met Dawn Lynn who knew Starr....
We all became friends.6 girls.
And now there are 4.

I have lost 2 very dear friends since March 9th. This all sucks and it hurts so very much. What do I do with this fucking pain? It is SO big. And I am not SO strong. What can you do? Well- its too big to fit in a box. I can't fit in a box or under the bed. I don't have the cash to go to the beach.
Guess I'll get memorial tattoos and cry a whole bunch and not sleep enough.

I miss my girls.
Dawn Lynn.
Christine.
I love you both so very, very much.

-HIDA scan results- negative.
-Appointment with the gastro guy on May 8th.
-Working temp with my brothers tow truck company again. Hoping to find another job once I find out what the hell is going on with my insides.This job works as I can go to doctor apts on the clock.teehee.And I can miss a day or work when I have to and not get in trouble.
-The peppermint oil gels are helping relieve the gas and nausea.Maybe even the heartburn? I know that the papaya/peppermint oil tabs are.
-PURPLE BEARDED IRISES IN MY GARDENS!
-HONEYSUCKLE ALONG THE FENCE!
- Went to Red 7 Saturday night and saw so many friends and so many people that I enjoy hanging out with.

I am tired of being poked, prodded, scanned, stuck with needles, falling asleep on the couch, not being able to eat a full meal, cramping, and bitching.

I have had-
A full abdominal Ultrasound ( small gallstones but none in the bile ducts)
A pelvic Ultrasound ( 2 cysts on my left ovary)
A pap smear and pelvic exam ( Dr.W says the cysts are too small to worry about)
Blood work- checking for anemia and who knows what else
A HIDA scan with CCK- A closer look at the gall bladder, liver, small intestine and bile ducts.
I have been told to take peppermint gel caps on the case that IBS is the culprit.
I now have Ambien to help me sleep at night because I keep falling asleep during the day and on the days that I actually do feel normal and well, I have trouble falling asleep at night.

I should her from my Primary Care Doctor Tuesday or Wednesday in regards to the result of the HIDA scan. Hopefully this is the end of the testing. Hopefully it's an easy fix.
If not- it's off to the gastroenterologist.

I have things to do. A life to live. Lets get this figured out, give me a pill, and move the fuck on.

From 2 sources-

"Caution, Healing, Leadership

The power of the Bear totem
is the power of introspection.
The answers to all our questions
lie within us.
Each of us has the capacity to quiet the mind,
enter the silence and know.

Just as the bear hibernates during the winter,
people with a Bear totem will be quieter
during the winter months. But they
must awaken in the spring and seek
whatever opportunities are around them.

When you have a Bear totem,
you are being guided to a leadership role.
You must be fearless in defending your beliefs.

The Bear also encourages you to exercise
your abilities as a natural healer.

Bears are associated with trees which are natural antennas, linking the heavens and the Earth.
Bear also has links to the seven color rays of the Universal Light
as well as Lunar ties, linking the subconscious and the unconscious mind."

"The bear totem has been used for healing scattered thoughts into a more centered mental process.
* Strength in the face of adversity
* Finding one's way back
* Solitude
* Maternal protection
* Focus on the practical side of life "

Friday-

Estate Sale around the corner. Ended up at my neighbors grandmothers house. So. I got some deals. Nice vintage and antique deals. Like 5 bucks for 4 things. One of which is an old drip coffee pot.

Job interview less than 2 miles from my house. I think it went well. Pays 12 bucks an hour. I'd be one of the 3 highest paid people in Buda without a degree- behind the manager of Cabelas and Walgreens.

Stopping by to ask my stylist advice on whether or not I should I should go red and realizing that I know another of the stylist, Sam, from one of the Fast Freddies in Austin. We exchanged numbers and plan on meeting up on Congress Friday night to watch the cool cars cruising by.

The cosmetic clerk at Walgreens shared chocolate/marshmallow Easter eggs with me while I shopped.

Noticing all of the wild flowers and garden flowers and vine flowers in our neighborhoods. Blue bonnets across Lily street in the neighbors yard. Wisteria along Rose street all the way to my garage and side door. The odd red flowers in the tree in my side yard are in bloom. The little scrubby trees in my yard where Mr.Stickland kept his horses are blooming and look like little Cherry Blossom trees.

Saturday-

Total eye exam. Dilation Told that for being a type one diabetic, I am blessed to have have no signs of retinopathy.

Walked back to the Estate Sale. ( My eyes were dilated so I could not drive)Score! The ten dollar rocking chair was still there. My neighbor, Zandra, carried it back home for me.

Nice, long, afternoon nap . 1st decent sleep in a week with no interruptions. No heartburn waking me up. No waking up wit a low blood sugar. Did not have to make a fast dash to the bathroom.

Sunday-

Seeing the big, odd, purple flower in the side garden.

Finding the iris type flowers that have almost been choked by weeds in the front/side garden.

Today-
I slept well last night.

James and Joanna came by and brought Maddy and I gifts from Aggie-Con. I love gifties! Especially after being sickly and depressed. I have a very nice Bear totem pendant and stars and moons wind chimes.

Watched the grackles fly in those odd little formations back and forth around the streets.

Back from the ultrasound. Had my insides looked at from the outside in and from the inside as well! I have been poked, kneaded like bread dough, prodded, rubbed, and still have gel on me. And I didn't even get a kiss or a smack on the ass.

To top it all off, they couldn't find my right ovary. Guess the damn thing finally got tired of me and ran away

Should have the results tomorrow or Monday.

Saturday/Sunday garage sale at my neighbors (Jan) house. I went in my jammies. Got a few good deals.Got a few AWESOME deals. So did Starr. Cheered us a bit b4 facing the wake.

Finally met Cindy's new baby.What a doll!

2 new pairs of glasses and new contacts. Yippee!

2$ 8x10 picture frames at HEB for pics of Dawn Lynn.

Lunch today with Karen at Veggie Heaven.

The love and support of 3 old friends Sunday night.This involved a lovely rendition of "Paradise City" sung by Jennifer on the car on the way home from the wake.It was on the radio....and someone had to do it.....

This is the medical condition that Dawn Lynn had on top of her diabetes.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/gastroparesis/DS00612/DSECTION=1

http://www.diabetes.org/type-1-diabetes/Gastroparesis.jsp

I learned about this today from a mutual friend.

I am considering an insulin pump for myself now. This all has me really freaked out.

Wow! Lori is right!I have not posted any Good Things since February 27th!
Now I have to back track!

Okey Dokey-

My book came in the mail much sooner than expected.Loved it! It was a good read and has inspired me to write my own version of a modern "Beauty and the Beast." I haven't started the writing on paper part.I am still writing in my head.

Income taxes done.Good return.Was able to catch up on bills, buy Maddy some things she really needed, bought myself a digital camera.

The lovely Ms.Jennifer found an apprentice that will do my TX Star tats for 25 bucks each.So, in about 2 weeks this gift will be bestowed upon me and Jennifer and I will finally have our matching stars!

I found a section of a VERY old gate in the far part of the back yard ( our property is 3 lots) to use as our "lattice work" for ivy and roses to crawl and spread upon.We had been planning on buying a section of wooden lattice work but that stuff has gotten pricey ( well, more than I want to pend on it) and the old gate just adds a charm and rustic feel to the place.This will go on the side of the house at the kitchen entrance.We can hide the trashcan behind it.That entrance actually faces Rose Street and is the door every one uses.( My poor front door needs some attention! There is no place to park on Lily as it is a dead end street only long enough for my house.)

My research on the builder/previous owner of my house is moving along although rather slowly. I do know his and his wifes names and now know where they are buried.They are buried in a cemetery very close to me-my grandparents are also buried there.

My electricity bill was lower this time around by 60 bucks!

Aired up the tires on the old 50's Sears Cruiser and have been riding it around Buda.Did I post that all ready? Eh...
Put the basket on the front so that I can use it to transport books to and from the library and mail home from the mailbox.

Bought a book by one of my favorite authors- Francesca Lia Block- for 99 cents from Amazon.

Reading more.

Cooking more.Healthy dishes.

New interest- research on the builder/owner of my house.

Should be getting my w-2 from employer number 2 in the mail today.FINALLY! ( There was a problem due to the closing of the branch office here closing and not providing the main office in California with any employee info).

Really! Lets do it.
I had assumed that the landlord was going to take care of the paint gobs and globs on the bedroom floors before I moved in.She didn't.Said that she did not have the time or money and that she had tried but that they would not come up.(Piss poor painting job done in those rooms as well.)
Whatever.I have worked with remodeling crews and I know how to get spilled paint off of wood floors.Sure- you have to put some muscle into it, but it can be done.

The trim and walls in the master and 2nd bedroom have been painted various shades before and the previous owner wasn't very good at painting or clean up either.
The 3rd bedroom was a patio then a sun room and has wood siding ( yes -siding.Not paneling but what u see on the outside of a house) walls and carpet instead of wood floors so it was saved the gobs and globs of paint.

My room has the cream spots of paint and a few teal spots as well.I am thinking about adding to those.Making even shapes with what is there and adding more of the same color and adding a berry color as well.
The 2nd bedroom has the same cream color as well as baby blue and pink.Since that is my daughters room, I think I will go with that theme.

On the move in inventory form, I did write in "gobs of paint on floors." But I didn't mention the color of this paint.

I am torn.Such cool wood floors! I could find something to remove the paint with and take the price of the rent as well as an hourly charge for work done.
Granted- the floors in my room are all original.No buffing or waxing.The original builders had the housekeeper who was the 2nd owner keep them that way.

Hum...to paint or to clean.

This time I have included things that made me laugh at myself and things that I finaly accomplished that made me feel better about myself.

I cooked a real meal and it was pretty damn good.I really don't like to cook.I usually cook out of a box or something that involves the HEB pre-cooked meat.Thursday night I made baked chicken breasts stuffed with spinach and feta cheese.It was quick and easy.

I finally got around to hanging the living and dining room curtains the right way.Our windows in those rooms have a decorative wood top to them- its curved and stands out away from the window.Very pretty and very easy to drape the curtains over.I had drapes/curtains together as of the 2nds week of January thanks to Jennifer and Annette.I really could not afford to invest in any after the expensive move.I had curtains for my room, the kiddos room, and the sun room.I didn't want to invest in the rods once I had the curtains since I knew that my brother had a ton of extras.The kitchen is now done.@ windows in the living and dining room are now done.Today I tackle the 3 sets in the living and dining room.

I cracked the small kitchen window pane over the kitchen sink.Using large nails to hang an odd shaped curtain rod.Also knocked some old wood off of the old frame outside.Yes- I damaged a 50 year old window! GO ME! LOL!!!